Day off from the normal proceedings with some Jokes

Day off from the normal proceedings with some Jokes

Hello and Welcome to My Healthy Blog

 

Well today we are having a day off from the normal proceedings with a post full of jokes.

As I have stated previously Laughter is another form of dietary control due the fact that if you are laughing whole heartedly you won’t be able to eat, which is just what is needed at times, another form of control.

Anyway laughing does burn calories, not sure how many, but have a day of laughter and you will find that you are feeling much, much better within yourself.

 

Well here we go, now use your self-control and stay of the sugary or salty snacks while you go through these jokes have a laugh, it has been scientifically proven that laughter is totally beneficial for the human body and mind.

The first one might not be that funny but the message is very clear, greed will get you nowhere.

 

7%

   A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,
  "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."
 
 The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
 
 He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of
 the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large
 pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth
 water.

 The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared
 to be famished.
 
 They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to
 their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and
 take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they
 could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
 
 The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
 
 The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."
 
 They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same
 as the first one.
 
 There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made
 the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same
 long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump,
 laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand."
 
 It is simple," said the Lord. "It requires but one skill. You see they
 have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of
 themselves."
 
  
  I’m in the 7% - Remember that I will always share my spoon with you  

 

10 Good Reasons Golf Is Great

 

10.     A below par performance is considered damn good.

 

9.      You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

 

8.      Its much easier to find the sweet spot.

 

7.      Foursomes are encouraged.

 

6.      You can still make money doing it as a senior.

 

5.      Three times a day is possible.

 

4.      Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

 

3.      If you live on the Coast, you can do it almost everyday.

 

2.     You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.  


And, the number one reason why golf is better than sex...

 
1.      If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

 

25 years

 

For your hubby's though you might appreciate this one.................

 

After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and

 said,  "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,

 slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got

 to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

 

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not

holding up your side of things."

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find

a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again

be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

Aren't older women great.  

They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ......

 

 

Dumbest Smartest Man

 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my back pack."

 

A Kind Offer From Some Terrorists  

 

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the President, the Vice-President and the Leader of the Opposition.

 
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

 

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre." 

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

 

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."  

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, Are you disabled in any way?  

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."  

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.  The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."  

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to  4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"  

This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our b----s.. no point in you coming in early."                                                         

                                 

A Man and His Ostrich

 

    A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
    I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
    The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
    "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
    The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
    "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
    "That's right!  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
    The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
    The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs." 

 

Don't mess with Lady drivers!!

 

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 mph.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

 
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."


Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

 
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.

 
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

 
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

 
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"


Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

 
Moral of the Story
:

Women are clever!!!


Don't mess with them!!

 

A shortcut through the cemetery

 

Walking home after a Halloween party,

two young men decided to take a shortcut

through the cemetery for a thrill.

 

They both stopped abruptly when they

heard a mysterious tap-tap-tapping noise

in the shadows.

 

Their eyes grew large until the mist cleared

and they saw an old man with a hammer and

chisel, chipping at one of the headstones.

 

"Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed.

"You scared us half to death!

We thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here

so late at night?"

 

The old man replied angrily,

"Those darn fools misspelled my name!"

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's your FREE Bonus Download of Jokes, Trivia, etc.

>>> Click Here To Download Now <<<

 

 

A True Blue Aussie Joke

*Only an Aussie*

*Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp He rubbed
the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.*

*This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. *

*Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"*

*The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the 
sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.*


*Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the 
two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo 
whose wish had been granted.*


*After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now
we're going to have to p--s in the boat."*

 

A Warning To Us All

 A group of girlfriends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight pants and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

Photo Safari

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost..

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!

I wonder if there are any more around here?"



Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

You need to let five "old" friends read this and there will be five more people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

 

You did notice the size of the print?

 

I hope you enjoyed these and had a bit of a laugh, let me know in the comments if you would like a few more pages like this, thanks.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We will go back to the normal post next time.

The next post will be about 101 Make-Up Tips.

And Guys there are some of these Tips that will help get rid some

of those rough edges that you might have.

Don't forget the Ladies are not always keen on all of those rough bits, lol.

 

Until then stay on top your quest for a better and happier lifestyle, bye for now.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Remember to check with your health practitioner as to

the practicality of any program you choose.

It should not be detrimental to your health.

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO

Disclaimer: This information is not presented by a medical practitioner and is for educational and informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read. 

Since natural and or dietary supplements are not FDA approved they must be accompanied by a two-part disclaimer on the product that the statement has not been evaluated by the FDA and that the product is not intended to “diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease”.

Kind regards
Laurie Mills

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Amazing!!!!! Thank you for all the good info...

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